Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
