Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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