mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
