If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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