Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
