she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
