she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
