When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
we should paint friendship bongs
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
