Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize
