you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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