his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
