No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
smell my finger.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
