You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
