Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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