She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
