Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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