I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
