how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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