i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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