What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
