Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
