Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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