I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
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