I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
