One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Randomize
