I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Randomize
