i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
