I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
