i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
