Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
