Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
