Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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