i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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