i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
