She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
