Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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