We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
