Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
