I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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