I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i came on her dog
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
