god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
