Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Randomize
