At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
