New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
