he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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