why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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