Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize