They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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