apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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