im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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