I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
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