I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
