I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
