I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize