I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
