I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
