I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Randomize
