honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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