just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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