There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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