What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
