Taylor Swift is so right about you.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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