It's Friday. Sex?
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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