I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I think I sprained my soul last night
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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