I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
