Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
