he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
